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    Saturday, July 09, 2011

    Knowolf was Tentacle Raped, by Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon (Really long post that is not suitable for minors)

    I just watched Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. And you will start asking me, "Is it good? What did you think of it?"

    I cannot answer that in a short way. Allow me to illustrate the feeling in the following scenario. Imagine you had a girl (girls, imagine it was a guy) of your dreams. You have not seen her for a long time, and then you met her back, and she was jaw dropping gorgeous the first time. PERFECT. The second time you met her, she took off her make up and was not someone you would say... pretty, but you'd still tap that. The third time you met her, she invited you to her house. You know she is not exactly pretty the second time, but this time, you hoped she would have done something to fix herself. And you were kinda looking forward to see if she had heard feedbacks about her looks. You look forward to the sex, but with not much expectation.

    You went to her house, getting psyched up. She invites you in, makes you comfortable. She wore a really sexy white see through lingerie dress. and you can see her sexy underwear inside; but she kept babbling on about her grandmother and how they fought the war and suffered by eating nothing but bark. It is boring, but you endured it for the anticipated sex.

    And then she made the first move. At first, it was what you expected. Not so bad, but not great. Halfway through...she undressed, and FUCK, SHE HAD TENTACLES INSTEAD OF HUMAN GENITALS!!! SHE IS A SEX STARVED TRANSEXUAL TENTACLE MONSTER!!! YOU WANTED TO RUN! You dashed for the door, but her tentacles acted like .... just like octopus tentacles. They bound you, reeled you back in, and you were violated with the tentacles in every orifice, even in those you did not know exists, with such violence and brutality that is comparable to an angry baboon raping a chihuahua after being drugged with stimulants and Viagra. You tried to scream and escape, but there was no escaping these strong tentacles. You then, gave up, closed your eyes, and endured the pain in hopes that it will end soon. But it didn't. It lasted for as long as you can remember. And blood was flowing everywhere.


    It all ended when the sadistic monster had her fill. You covered youself with whatever that is in reach, in this case, a newspaper sheet, in hopes of protecting any dignity left in you. You cried, there was no pain, torture, and violation in hell as devastating as this. She lighted up a cigratte, inhaled deeply, and blew the smoke to your face. She said, "Haha, you are such a virgin." And then she asked you for all your money for the services you received. You were traumatised. You... has just gone through a fate worse than hell, and has to live with such a suffering forever.

    That is exactly how I felt after wathing the movie. Violent tentacle -raping of my childhood and endless suffering and a permanent scar...that throbs in pain. Seriously WTF man. WTF was Michael Bay and the script writers thinking of?


    Transformers: My Childhood Dream

    The Transformers franchise is like a dream I had never able to realize. Unlike you lucky bastards who had people buy you Transformers toys when you were young, I never had too much of such priviledge after the age of 7. Before that age, I watched the movies and thee cartoons, and I got some toys when I asked for them for my birthday or some celebration. When 7 hit, my main toy sponsor was gone, and I was left with no one to continue supplying me Transformer figures. I wanted them bad, but there was no way to get it. People started buying nonsense for my birthday instead of cool toys, shits like shirts, pens, books, beatings, etc etc. So Transformers was like the girl I had a really DEEP feelings for, but was never able to talk to her because she is a Billion Dollar Bikini Supermodel Astrophysicist, while I was Tobias Funke. THAT was what Transformers meant to me. I would go to toy stores and look at all the figures, but always never able to buy them.

    A Typical Analrapist-Tobias Funke

    Then the movies came. I was like, meh, usually it can't be that good. Adaptations are never good. But Transformers 1 was awesome. It was so cool. It was God sent. It was as if God forgave all human's sin and rebirthed all of us into perfect beings. And then Revenge of the Fallen came. At that time, God decided to be Loki. He fucked up the movie, making it illogical and full of shit and pointless cleavage and robot balls. But at least there was a cool Optimus transformation and fight in the end. I thought it was really bad, but meh, still acceptable.

    And then Dark of the Moon came. I thought it would be better. People who watched it said it was good. Even my girlfriend said it was great (I will keep this grudge forever). And so with no expectation, I went in the cinema. And I came out a broken, angry, scarred, tentacle-raped man. This movie raped my childhood so bad, now I am developing a new personality to deal with this scar.

    But you guys would say "Aw, come on, it's not that bad. Look at the animation and that hot chick!" Oh yeah? You think? There was this girl who came out of the cinema and loudly proclaimed to her friend that "THIS WAS GOOD!" and gave it two thumbs up. I nearly threw her down from the top floor of Tropicana City Mall. IT WAS MASS TENTACLE RAPING I TELL YOU! RAPE! and some people do enjoy it!

    The Shitass Boring Grandmother Backstory

    The movie started with some story about Apollo 11 moon mission and some top secret conspiracy. I was impressed by that, as they took real JFK and Reagan (awesome president) footage to put in the video. And then it started to suck. HELLO, we would like to see some action with Giant Kickass Robots Transforming and kicking the shit out of each others in a cool way, prefeably John Woo pigeons-flying-in-the-background style. BUT we get some story about insecurity and immature mid life crisis. We would like to see more story, like the evil plot or the sinister conspiracy, but fuck the audience, let's give them some paper thin script with boring love story pointless characters (Sam's parents especially). And oh, we need some eye candy because all Transformer fans are virgin guys and fap to this movie, so let's start it with a girl showing off her ass. Great. The first 75 minutes is story about mid life crisis and only 5% action.


    The Tentacle and the Raping

    Throughout the movie, it will be evident that the new script writers (the originals left) were watching a lot of tentacle rape hentai while writing the script. The hentai tentacle metaphors are obvious. First Decepticon the protagonists see? A fucking giant tentacle with mini tentacles sticking out driven by Soundwave (doesn't even look like him). Girl in the car being held hostage? Threathen her with lots and lots of tentacles. Sam Whitwicky's evil manipulating chain? A watch with a tentacle that penetrates your skin to attach to you central nervous system, sending a numbing/painful SENSATION (I can't tell which, Shia's acting was...shit). Giant empty building hiding enemies (Freud would say that this is a sign of a woman's womb and eggs)? No problem, send the giant tentacle monster in to PENETRATE it at all levels and bring it down. Oh and also have a stereotypical Guy-Who-Has-Huge-Penis (aka an African) exclaim how damn cool the tentacle is. And as in every hentai with tentacle rape, a hero will come and save the day by cutting it up with a blade and serve it like octopus sashimi, just like how Optimus did in the show.

    Building:痛み! 痛み! あ!!!!

    AND THEY EVEN HAD TO FUCKING TENTACLE RAPE OPTIMUS PRIME. Don't believe me? What happened after Optimus cut the tentacle thing? He got trapped in lots and lots of tentacles and couldn't escape until the wreckers came and cut him free. And these are tiny wires...trapping the great Optimus, while all he can do is struggle and moan. FUCK YOU SCRIPT WRITERS!

    And the childhood raping.It started of with unwelcomed teasing, like a cat playing with his food. I have accepted the fact that the movie will never be accurate to the original canon of Transformers. But this is fucking nonsense. Cybertron is a bloody living planet, transforming into the robot Primus, aka the Lord of Light, aka Jesus of Robots. In the movie? A bloody rusty box. And I don't think Transformers drive. What is this? Terminator 4 remake? And Megatron is now Ezio from Assasin's Creed 2, hiding under a cape and assasinating Sentinel Prime from behind (see? another rape metaphor).

    Guess Leonardo Da Vinci overdid the modifications

    And then the true Raping began. Horrible storyline. The phrase "Autobots, transform and roll out!" did not appear in the entire film, while a really loud "Autobots, RETREAT" was loudly commanded. Transformers that I know of kills each other honourably in combat and never makes it personal or sadistic. But in the movie, FUCK HONOUR! THAT IS FOR THE JAPANESE! The hostage scene shows Que, brutally murdered after much pleaing and surrendering. The whole scene was shown explicitly, with his head rolling on the round and acting real human. THAT WAS THE MOST FUCKING DISTRUBING PART. Que was just the inventor, never showing any real threat to the Decepticons, and he was a nice old man. YOU HAD THE ANIMATORS MAKE HIM LOOK AND FEEL HUMAN! And then you murdered him in cold blood explicitly. Tell me, how would a child feel if he watched that? FUCK YOU SCRIPT WRITER.

    Talking about blood, why the fuck does the Transformers bleed? Every Transformer cut seems to be spewing blood all over the place. "Oh, that's the motor oil and lubricant colour". Oh? but they didn't have it in 1 and 2. SO fuck you. You just needed to have it for the 3d effect didn't you? Thank you making it so fucking gory and fucked up.

    The Action

    "BUT the action in the movie was great!!!" defended the people who liked it. I came to watch robots transforming and fighting coolly. Here we have a few SHORT cool scenes, like Ironhide against the Decepticon...uh....lackeys, and Bumblebee destroying Soundwave. The others? 15% Autobots speeding around in overweaponized car form, 15% Decepticons shooting people or destroying people or Laserbeak raping people with his tentacle tail, and last 70% Sam Whitwicky and his friends dancing around the fucking collapsing building. And even in that scene, it's more like Terminator than Transformers.

    And So...

    ...I was raped. Horribly raped. Childhood raped to the point of destruction. FUCK YOU Michael Bay and Spielberg. Seriously fuck you.

    BUT
    At least they showed us how cool African Americans are. Epps volunteered to bring in his kickass team to kick some ass, focusing on the stereotypical black man, with a white member falling to his death. The first volunteer when Lennox asked for their sacrifice? A black man. So brothas are cool.

    But Still...

    Scared. For life. Fuck you Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon.



    Disclaimer:
    Some of you who liked it and said it was good, it was because you never had a Transformers childhood. You only know the movie. And also, you like being raped by tentacles.

    (The last part does not apply to people the writer knows)

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