Nursery Rymes for Adults

Being a guy who gets all his crap from his surroundings i got this nursery rhyme from my baby cousin's lulaby song. I used to think that Nic and Poh would make a great match, was thinking bout it, and suddenly the TV goes "Polly put the kettle on". and so, i got it.Here goes:-

(Segala adalah rekaan semata-mata, tiada kaitan dengan yang hidup atau yang mati atau yang dapat banyak A dalam SPM ataupun dari rimba. Kalau ada pun adalah ......well....just coincidence(ala HVD)

Poh Lynn turned Nicholas on,
PohLynn turned Nicholas on,
Poh Lynn turned Nicholas on,
And they got laid.

May Lynn pissed him off again,
May Lynn pissed him off again,
May Lynn pissed him off again,
By telling Pik Han.

Pik Han spread to all his wives,
Raccoon, Tupai and Bunny,
Pik Han spread to all his wives,
And they got their "choy tou"(vegetable knife)

They got revenge for Tommy Chai,
They retrieved back his small collar,
How did they get it back?
By gutting him.

Our collection of Malaysian "Playboy", with no pictures 

It says "Balasan Dosa Lakukan Onani, Timun Patah Dalam Kemaluan Lesbian". What about dosa memaparkan bahan "merangsang"? 

Sex with human in books is porno. With dogs, it's incestuous beastiality. What about a sting ray?

Playboy With No Nudity

Our kiasu neighbour, Singapura, has playboy for sale. While we, as an Islamic country, banned all stuff that has any porno stuff (although there are a lot of Golden Hair in pasar malams or Petaling Street asking "Leng Chai, want buy pon or not?"). But then hey!! We are Malaysians!! We know how to escape law!! We can publish books about the "paranormal", which is a camouflage for sex stories!!!! And that what we did.

Every newspaper stand we go, there is a corner specially made for these books. Popular mags like Mastika has a very "paranormal" title, such as "Seks Dengan Jin", or "Cacing Keluar dari Kemaluan". See, it's very paranormal, nothing to do with sex. But then there are those daredevils, as seen in the pictures. And now after decades of "Dasar Pandang Timur"( or tengaok porno dari Jepun), we finally has our own genre of porn!!! I know that some of you sick people watches human with animals. Ha, take that Japan!! we take it to the extreme by having sex with not only dogs and chicken(yeap, that was on Kazaa, according to Yi Jeat), we also have goats and even big fish!!! Who says being a nelayan doesn't pay much???

My Eye's Avenue

Sometimes I just love the M.O.Education. They make all the female students wear see through upper uniforms, especially when they are old. I was inspired to write this when I was sitting for my exam,when i was distracted when the sun's morning ray kinda made a wayang kulit of my friend's cleavage. She was kinda having a ....good figure. And then the thought of Fook Choy struck me and voila, here it is. Due to the fact that this might be a case of sexual harassment, no pictures included....haha

My Eye’s Avenue(Parody of Ocean Avenue)

Darn the sun today is shining bright,
Fabrics penetrated by the sun’s bright light,
Oh my God I have two wanderin’ eyes
Looking at thing’s I shouldn’t see, through light
Looking through clothes with the help of, light

Should stop myself from doing this,
But Fook Choy told me to do as I please,
Look through all those shirts made of thread,
Just like all those letters that I, read,
Oh Lord help me or I’m, dead

If I don’t stop looking now,
My nose will start bleeding,
Stop letting light shine through,
For it’s distracting,
I can’t concentrate on my homework and studies yeah.

Back in the days when I was studying in 3B,
Sat behind so that I can always see,
Through the side of their side-split pinafore,
Looking through shirts till our eyes, sored
Saw everything until we were , bored


If I don’t stop looking now,
My nose will start bleeding,
Stop letting light shine through,
For it’s distracting,
I can’t concentrate on anything I am doing,
Kinda hate it though,
Though I am enjoying,
So let’s enjoy the show.

Closed for Renovation

Due to the SPM thingy, i have to stop blogging and start reading, but i shall be back, at least by 8 of December.

"SAYA MAU KAMU!"...Pak Cik Sam

Having such a "successful" blog made me take a further step. I made another blog. But this time, it has noting to do with the world, only about the tainted bahasa and the holy war to save it. It has been quite obvious that BM is having a big war just to stay clean. I can't elaborate, so just visit http://jihadbm.blogspot.com or click the link in the links section in the index. Enjoy.

Nilai-Nilai Murni Encik Amin

As SPM draws closer, my school makes a last attempt to help the Malaysians who can't speak Malay to pass their exams. And so, today, I was unwillingly drawn into this.....scheme. And so, I sat for the Pendidikan Moral paper. In the third question, I find myself hardly able to control my laughther after modifying the questions and answers. Here is the question

3. Encik Amin yang tinggal berdekatan dengan sempadan negara mendapati bahawa terdapat kes penyeludupan beras dari negara jiran ke negara kita. Dia telah melaporkan kes ini kepada pihak berkuasa dan penyeludup ini telah berjaya ditangkap dan dijatuhkan hukuman setimpal.

After a little reality check, the REAL question should sound like this......

3. Encik Amin yang tinggal berdekatan dengan sempadan negara mendapati bahawa terdapat kes penyeludupan beras dari negara jiran ke negara kita. Dia telah melaporkan kes ini kepada pihak berkuasa dan penyeludup ini telah berjaya ditangkap dan dijatuhkan hukuman setimpal. Mayat Encik Amin ditemui di Sungai Golok pada keesokan harinya.

Due to the fact that the paper is not with me, the sub questions and answers will be given later........in the sequel.

And so, should we really check our our school syllabus. Why not change Pendidikan Moral to Pendidikan Hidup dalam Realiti.

(to be continued)

Malaysians, the Party People

These few days, the Darfur children has become one of the selling points of The Star. Of course, being kind and compassionate rakyat Malaysia, we should always show our kindness and love of world peace. And to do that, what is better than a big old party? And guess what? This is a charity auction party. Now let's see a prediction by me:

1. First of all, a wrestling super star is here, accompanied by local stars
2. There will be an auction,
3. Admission is free

And so, this must help to raise lots right? No, it will not. With thousands of rich and poor visiting Bintang Walk(sounds strange) daily, I doubt if the collected cash would reach the 7 figure point. Why is that? Well, because we Malaysians are pure party people, and we love free parties especially the ones from the middle and lower class. We do not really care about those middle eastern people, we just want to party. It is just that we are such good actors that it looks like we appreciate the theme. And for a small example, check this out. Remember the "We Want Peace" party? All we did for world peace was scream "We Want Peace" for a few minutes, and then we lay back and enjoy the show. And then what happen? We enjoyed the dazzling fireworks in the middle east. Our party did not even the attention from CNN, unlike the protest everywhere else in the world.

And also, we hate to touch the insides of our pockets. The only reason guys put their hands in to their pocket is only to scratch their itching crotch. Just like a dinner my school had, some fun loving stingy ass who do not want to cough up RM30 to donate to the school to build something useful appeared at the party fully dressed, equipped with face skin as thick as a safe's wall. The Malay( I swear I am not a racist) guys won't even bring their aweks to places like starbucks. Instead, they sit beside Titiwangsa, claiming that it is romantic, because a cup of coffee in Starbucks cost more than Rm10. And also, because it is dark they can always bonk under the moon.

Remember rumah terbuka also? The locals swarmed the food and finished it. And I thought the food was for the Guai Lo. What happened to the "hospitality" of Malaysians? Down with Indah Water,I think.Hehe

Ke"desperate"an teenage IE users

I am a darn daredevil. I know he consequences of writing this article. I will be stalked by unknown people, be dragged up a van, beaten up like your mom making fish balls, and in the end, being thrown off Tanjung Rachado. If you are using a lot of friend finding software and services.... you shouldn't be reading this. If you go to cybercafe just to turn on your ICQ, you are out also. As for you people who has a instant messenger to keep in touch with your friends only...I guess it's okay unless you are those "perasan" type. This article is to :-

1. to tell people of what Malaysian(or in fact the world, but I don't see others do this before, though they are the founders) are doing in order to help reach the 70 million population rate.

2. To stop those screwed chain mails that I don't forward(yes,I don't) from entering my inbox(they are crap)

Ever since last year, I have been living somewhere in Cheras-Ampang border. And of course, being a game junkie, the first thing I look for the the nearest cybercafe. And when i begin to use the services there, I suddenly realized what most of the patrons are doing...they are bugging unknown people in the net and trying out some cupid's touch. Well, I don't mean everybody, but most of them are punk like, sneaker wearing and really lonely teenage 'Mayau's. Those who know me, you can call me to ask what is a mayau(this service is limited to only those who know me, those that got me through the net don't count). I thought this happens only in cybercafes, but slowly, I begin to see the bigger picture. Everybody is trying their luck not only in the net, but also on TV station through SMS(50 cents per SMS) and also sometimes through a random phone number(you got to be real lucky). Now, if u can find one through the the latter, curse your ownself for not visiting the closest Toto to buying a lucky combination. They do everything, I know this guy who uses some instant messenger to know girls online. When I check his contacts, all of them seem to be unknown girls and only one guy that is a friend of his.

And also, if you guys read teen magazines, you will know what I mean. Sample question:-

Hi Small Sis. I met this guy in the net and he is wonderful. I never met him before, but he treats me very good and loves me very much. When he asked me to be her girl friend, i accepted although I never met him before because he loves me.We had a date,and on that day, i lost my virginity to him although we met for the first time, because he loves me. And then he never contacted me again. I feel so sad, can you help me?

(direka semata-mata, not the real one, but you can find this in most teenage themed books)

Me? I would ask you to jump off the building with a cut wrist and a rope on your neck. This is crap.And also, wolves prowl around on the net(not me) to look for gullible people and then begins the hunt. It's okay if you had nothing to do, met a few times, became friends and then courtship and in the end, acceptance, but no, this must happen this way, skip everything except courtship and acceptance. And then you don't tell mom, and start asking crap on the mags.

And then the crap e-mails. They say " forward this or your GF/BF will run away". Oh, now the mail has some super power to control minds. And it is not even like it's any good, not much decorated. Stop freaking out already, it's not like you know what is a GF or Bf, in the end, it could only mean Grape Fruit or Big Fish. If you guys are really that desperate, get a few frogs from the local swamp or market, preferably near the castle, and then kiss it. Might get a handsome prince. (Do not copy, link to http://criticsandstuff.blogspot.com)

Moon Hoax

After watching Conspiracy Theories: Did We Land On The Moon, I was very sure that man did not land on the moon. Reason? A whole bunch of pictures of some idiot, a few footprint flaws, and also some scientific crap. Now if this is a big hoax, then Mr. G would have to change general knowledge questions for Form 1(yes, form one, since they claim that most Malaysian suck in general knowledge). I don't know, was it true? Go see for yourself.
http://batesmotel.8m.com/
http://www.ufos-aliens.co.uk/cosmicapollo.html
As for the other's who would dear to their believes, this should put in some relieve(hah, my first pun). But the answers are kinda terpesong like Nicholas and Jovan's karangan
http://www.thekeyboard.org.uk/Did%20we%20land%20on%20the%20Moon.htm
Now, based o the crap you read and they said, make up your own mind. But don't go around telling people and forcing them to accept your idea, or you will end up as an ISA detainee......

The Tausi boys, those gray stuff on their hands is their mom's cooking knife 

The jam in "Jalan ke Segambut Dalam" 

Was on my way to kepong last Saturday, and because my mom had a facial appointment(like all those aunties as well), I went alone. Was in 43B, it was a smooth ride, til the freaking "Jalan Ke Segambut Dalam", which was well known for jams that had no reason. And then I saw saw Tausis(Indians) about the age of ten carrying their mom's cooking knife(or stolen from the local shop, I don't know) walking around like......I don't know, Indian an-nes(tai ko). Met many Indians, and most of them walk the same way(not to say I am a racist, most of my friends don't do this). It reminded me about the "walk this way" commercial on 8tv, and they really look like crap(the tausi boys) . Finally, the bus left and i reached my destination. And then, nothing really happened, I went to bed. There was actually a more elaborate version of this story, but I pressed the wrong button, deleted it, got lazy, and went on to the simplified version. I believe this happens to most of the local journalist and civil servants and of course, pak sam jou(literally white sleeves, or traffic police) who are so lazy to write summons, so they keep the money in their pocket that helped funded their needs for rokok from the recent increase of price ;P....

Aku Malaysian, dan cina

I am now officially bored of the 3 kaum utama idea. Every project i do in school, the main idea from the boss is ''Ambil 3 warna untuk mewakili 3 kaum di Malaysia,'' isn't this a lil' unfair towards the other ethnic in Malaysia? What about our signature Singhs and others ?What about the minority in Sarawak? I think they ought to change everything to ''Ambil 2 warna sahaja, untuk Bumi and the nons,'' that sounds a little ''fairer'' to other minorities. This is a cliche I see everywhere in the country. What happened to ''Bangsa Malaysia''?. Apparently the big G has some problem in doing anything they say. They go around saying that ''perpaduan antara kaum adalah matlamat negara,"" but they begin helping most of the malay(alrite, I m not a racist) in many sectors. You get a better chance of getting in a Uni ,if you are a malay. I know, I know, we have more malays in the country. But why with quota? I think they should really let go of that idea and start on building bangsa Malaysia instead going on with 3 warna. A malay driver quoted''Cina memang pandai blaja punya'' Shouldn't he saying..orang malaysia? So, if i so to a foreign country, should I introduce myself as a Malaysian , or a chines, or some sort of hybrid?

The ever progressive G plan

I never thought that I have to remember every little nilai to succeed in my life. Seems that the Ministry of Education is 'implanting' moral values in us through....Text and exams. Heck, if I can learn to be a good citizen that way, my mom wouldn't need to cane me that much, she just needs to send me to a tuition centre for a lesson in Pendidikan moral. Actually I don't mind p.moral, but why in spm? We already have add math and physics (for all those clever asses like me, but not that good that u can pass add math). And they must make it a compulsory subject. So , next time, when I go out, I will have to ask, apakah nilai yang sepatutnya diamalkan oleh penjaga tandas?Please do not copy, link it to http://criticsandstuff.blogspot.com